Valentine’s Day

Hello…

I wanted to update you on a cool night in the making, which also happens to coincide with our beloved Valentine’s Day holiday. I’m really making a concerted effort to make things easy for men and women around the world this year…
Sunday February 14th, at 8:30pm—I will be performing at vintage 19 Broadway in Fairfax, Ca. It’s a very eclectic bill that night, with the crafty jazz veteran Jules Broussard opening up the evening. I will be on second, and will be followed by the Main County legendary bluesman, Buddy Owen. The show is free.
A few things:
1.) Out of the 131 shows of mine that we’ve logged, couples have left my shows and engaged in sensual interactions later in night 78.4% of the time.
2.) We seem to think that Valentine’s Day will even improve the already Hall Of Fame numbers—most likely dramatically.
3.) Engaging in any sort of Valentine’s Day physical activity before the show is NOT a good idea. That could compromise the integrity of leg strength from leaving your apartment (house) on your way to the car—which eventually will lead you to the venue.
4.) Is 4 more dollars than the show, as I’ve said, “it’s free”.
5.) The crescendo that could be had by all on this loving occasion is far too special an opportunity to pass by.

Ryan

A Real Haggle

Judy…

First of all, I understand you have a lot more things on your plate other than the “C” street complex, and whether or not I’m content with my living situation. My frustrations have absolutely NOTHING to do with you personally. I’m sure I’ve been a real pain in the neck for you, but as I’ll explain—I’m living in a very unsafe place right now.
The City of San Rafael informed me that my formal complaint was the fourth (4th) official complaint about hazardous living conditions in this complex. Two of the four were about windows, with a similar “on order” type of excuse. An inspector from the City will be reviewing my unit in a matter of days.
As I’ve tried to communicate to Bayside Management, I don’t think you guys are truly aware of the liability, danger, and gravity of the current state of the unit. As you can imagine, the window has deteriorated since late October, and I’ve had to pick up shards of glass off the carpet on numerous occasions. I have progressively documented all of this.
Water has gotten inside during the rainstorms we’ve had, and I’ve tried to limit the carpet damage as best I can. But even that goes beyond the description of being a responsible tenant.
You’ve on numerous occasions said, “you don’t understand how complicated it is, with the paneling, etc…” What nobody understands is how complicated it’s been for me.
I’ve been sick twice due to the temperature, my PG+E bills have skyrocketed due to the overcompensating, it’s impossible to sleep with the howling of the wind through the unstable glass, and the small children in my family can’t ever come over because the dangers of being anywhere near the ONLY window in the unit are too serious.
There have been three (3) occasions when the shattered window has nearly fully collapsed inside the apartment due to thunder and wind.
I am now 2/3 of the way through my lease, a lease that states (I don’t have it with me, my attorney does) “tenant shall work with the management company in timetable for new window”. If the “several” contractors you were speaking of are the two (2) men who measured the window, I’ve done my duty by being present and not impeding the progress towards getting the window fixed. The first contractor was shocked the unit was being currently rented out given the state of the window.
Another local realtor echoed his opinion, and is also advising me as to how to go about exercising my rights as a tenant in Marin County.
All of the professionals I’ve sought legal counsel from have advised me not to pay any more rent, until the City has finished its probing, or until the window is fixed. After honoring 2/3 of my lease already, they think we should put BSM in a position to legally explain the situation.
Personally, I don’t want it to get that far. I really want to stay in the unit (for logistical reasons) and because I really like the other tenants. But now, after a severe deterioration of an already seedy situation, the rent price goes up? On the shortest month of the year?
This is my last stance in trying to resolve the situation myself. I assure you, that if the rent price stays where it was, I will not complain anymore, and continue to try and work with you guys through this. I understand this is also a tough situation for you.
But there is no way you could rent this unit out (full price) to another tenant without omitting the truth of the timetable, which obviously was done to me.
If $100 off the regular price is your final answer, then I’m going to reluctantly have to involve my legal advisors. I will not pay nearly $800 for a unit that I don’t feel safe in. You will then have to evict me, and deal with all sorts of legal costs that will far surpass the mere deduction I’m asking for, and was receiving up to this point.
In closing, I want to state that my hope is to remain in this unit.
Usually,
Ryan Bisio

The Hiatus

Those of you who were waiting for my new college basketball picks are going to be waiting for a while, probably until mid-March…
There are plenty of reasons for this—namely, all my picks ended up being losers, duds, or at the very least pushes…
Things will start to heat up during tournament time though, and the freshly welcomed spring weather will swirl in all types of raunchy picks from my campaign.
How about this pick: John Wall #1 overall…
Or: Roy Williams can’t cover in a sling….
And: Texas vs. Kansas in the Big 12 title game, AND National title game…

I’ve written two (2) new songs in the last couple of weeks. Love em.

I’ve Been Sleeping On A Blow Up (Mattress)

Surprisingly, to you perhaps… My back feels great. I wake up feeling rested and the real kicker is that the mattress is portable. So, if I’m in a pinch, I know I can still sleep well if my whereabouts change on short notice. I thought everybody should know that I am well rested.

A Very Public Apology

In the event that any of my loyal readers took my advice and placed a wager on the Minnesota college basketball game on November 27^th and lost their home, savings, pets, etc…

I hope you know that nobody is reeling from that collapse more than me, since after all, I was the promoter who went public with that ill-advised prophecy.

My only defense is that they were playing at a neutral site, and perhaps the room service that day wheeled in some tarnished foods, which made Minnesota play supremely unmotivated.

But all is not lost, at least not yet.  C’mon people, even hedge funds are dicey these days.

Read these and weep…

San Jose St. -4

Georgetown -3

Iowa +11

Arizona St. +7.5

If any of you want to drop off my 10% tomorrow morning, I’ll be on Telegraph Avenue in Berkeley wearing blue jeans, a yellow raincoat, and a Santa Claus hat with a massive gold money chain around my neck.  I’ll be accompanied by two (2) short bodyguards holding lap top computers attached to two (2) Doberman pinchers.  I’ll be there around 10am.

Victim of Circumstance – Volume I

Cheli…

I have a vague and suspicious memory of you now that I think about it.  I’d have to look through my files, but I think you’ve sent me a personalized email before…

But if you did–there’s no possible way that its contents were anything like your latest email.  This one is real comfortable, and this one is well informed…

The songs on the MySpace page that you’re speaking of, the songs with “no drums” that you “think would sound better” with drums—what exact songs are you talking about?  Out of the six (6) songs posted, five (5) of them HAVE drums…

The only song that doesn’t have drums is a song titled “Till I Awake”, which is a delicate song that drums would absolutely ruin.  Drums would penetrate and violate every orphus of that song like a seasoned criminal on shore leave.

I’ve come to understand that you want me to, and I’m quoting, “take for a positive way”, and that you think “you (I) could be more famous if you (I) change a little bit of your music, like ex: with your voice I liked with the kind of music of The Police, The Outfield, you know what I mean.”

Well, I’d rather draw my own conclusions then hear you elaborate any more on what you mean…Let’s see how close I come.

A.) You think that my voice DOESN’T match the instrumentation correctly?

Not likely.  There’s a variety of instruments played in those songs.  There are DRUMS, bass, acoustic guitar, electric guitar, slide guitar, piano, violin, and vocals.  In just glancing at those instruments, that’s not much different than the before mentioned groups that you think I should sound like.

B.)   You think the genre of music I play is ILL-ADVISED?

Possible.  Each song has a bit of a different feel.  There isn’t one genre that get’s repeated on the MySpace playlist.

C.)   You think I’m NOT writing the correct type of songs?

Highly likely.  To be honest with you, my mind has strayed there in the last few months.  But at the end of the day…I’d rather be myself than be in “The Outfield”…

The point here really is this:  I don’t think you listened to all the songs.  In order to give somebody advice, you have to have some sort of solid footing to stand on.  You can’t tell me I need drums if you’re standing on a peg-leg…

You should tell me that I need to become a better songwriter—then I would absolutely agree with you.

Stay in touch,

Ryan

Black Friday

Ominous cloud coverage and a rise in the barometric pressure foreshadows a storm that’s brewing off the coast which should make landfall today—probably right after I step out of the shower on my way to monitor the score of a college football game I was hoping to give gambling advice on–which has ramifications that will undoubtedly effect the two (2) teams vying for contention in the sacred National Championship Game held in Pasadena this year.

Yes folks, we’re talking about College Football, and no folks, I shouldn’t even call it gambling.  Gambling is a roll of the dice, fate, chance, luck, etc…But after a 2-0 (parlay) week of “working” college basketball games—this advice should be taken as a sound investment, and/or the potential of starting a trust fund for your children or pets.

These picks go out to all the women in unsatisfactory marriages.  These picks will give them the courage to leave their husbands, take HALF, and know that they can survive on their own…

These daily screeds of mine will soon start including the “Pick of the Day”, or maybe we will call it the “Rake of the Day”…Gambling in a recession is obviously the only way out for some of us, and as for the rest, conventional employment or trust funds will have to make due.

After all, it is “Black Friday” today.  The day when hung-over husbands get drug around by their spouses who set the alarm for 3a.m with hopes of getting the best deals at stores like Kohl’s, Wal-Mart, Mervyn’s, and even Borders.

Indeed.  People working retail today will be running up a hefty tab at a local tavern tonight, telling crude and unspeakable stories of men, women, and children being run over and pan-caked as the doors opened to the before-mentioned stores.  Its America’s interpretation of the Spanish tradition “Running of the Bulls”; the only difference is the bulls don’t carry wallets and purses in Spain, and have never been sent to collections in the repayment of predatory loans and credit cards.

Not even close.  The local newspapers and well respected National Publications will feature headlines tomorrow morning that read, “Woman Exposed after Stealing Mirror; Bloody aftermath shocks Amish Community”, or “Starbucks Issues Apology after Manager Collapses during Mocha Pump”.

But the major Collegiate Athletic Departments need not worry about attendance to their sporting events today.  They’re busy running a racket of their own.  It’s not a coincidence that some of the most savory football matchups coincide with “Black Friday”, and carry into this shopping-orgy-of-a-weekend in America.

As of right now, the storied Alabama vs. Auburn game is shaping up to be a beauty, and tomorrow, the perennial “Civil War” matchup showcasing Oregon vs. Oregon State is slated to be a barnburner as well.  With all this money people throw around this weekend out of tradition, you can’t fault these College Programs for getting in on the action too.

This is a time of year that’s Deep in American tradition.  Your driveway will ice up, your furnace will explode, and you will be rammed in traffic by an uninsured illegal alien in a stolen car.  You will also use your credit card…

But what the hell?  Enjoy your shopping today, your football and basketball games, and enjoy the fruits of my winning sports picks.

Rake of the day:  Minnesota -6.5